that changed this morning. when i woke up at 830, i realised that i'd received an sms at 5+ in the morning from grace. in a nutshell, the report wasn't completed and she needed my help. except that i had to get to school and attend a class of my own within 90mins. sick realisation set in as i realised that finally, the shortcomings of my group were about to be cruelly exposed on report submission day.
it's not that i didn't realise it before. but it's easy to play the big-hearted person and say "oh everyone has limitations and everybody did their best" when things went well. it's when you fall short of the mark that you sit up and lament the cruel hand that fate has dealt you. i'd hate to go into specifics and pinpoint exactly where each person didnt come through, for that easily translates into a personal attack, and we dont need more of these things in daily life. but when you've tried so damn hard yourself, and you're certain that the end result is lacking due to a lack of effort and not ability, that option is tempting.
of course it's always dangerous when you're convinced that it's not your fault, least of all because in part it could be, but because there's a certain hubris about it which overcomes rationality and sentiment altogether.
- you start to compare the individual time spent on a supposed group effort
- you start to think if everybody has really value-added to the group
- worst of all, you start questioning if everybody really wants to do as well as you do
certainly those comparisons are greatly unfair, for everybody has different abilities and limitations. but in such a present state of mind, you don't care about relativity, you only bother about absolutes. you start feeling indignant and think "What's that? Everybody contributes in their own way? Yeah i guess that's fair, if you're friggin Marxist. It's a results-driven world and nobody cares about your little behind-the-scenes if your end products don't show for it."
this is arrogant, this is wrong and this is unwarranted. but if you ask me whether i can look at some people in the eye and say "I do not blame you", then i'm sorry, i can't do it. maybe when my sense of reasoning returns, but again, sorry, not today.
extracted from d A r y L ' s mind at 7:32 PM
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